Hello! Back at school again. It is good, I really love it here but not here if you get my drift. I love the area and the friends I have made but I do not like school. I realized I do not want to take anymore classes. I can pass them no problem and I am learning but it just isn't what I want to be doing. I want to see the world, try to make it as a musician, live my life for crying out loud!! I don't want to be back at home though. I just want to be out living working doing whatever wherever. Feeling this A LOT lately, so it got me thinking, "what do I really want to do?". Now I thought I knew and I had it all planned out, I was going to go to college study youth ministry and get a call to a Lutheran church and work there as a
DCE. That sounds great, and it did at the time, there is job security and I see myself being a youth pastor someday, but that isn't what I want. That sounds boring, unexciting and frankly I feel as though I am settling. I know God wanted me to come here but I am not sure why. Why am I having such strong feelings to change my plans, my perfect safe plans?
I love music. Anything and everything involved in music, I love it. I have wanted to be a musician since I learned how to play the guitar. So why am I not pursuing that? If all I want to do is sing and play for people and spread a message through song than why am I not doing anything to make it happen? I have no idea. I was so drawn to church work but I did not know why. At first I wanted to be a worship leader at a church but then I realized that I just want to sing and perform. Then I thought about youth ministry, I just felt called to it, I have always loved everything involved with it and I wanted to stay in church work. But then last semester one of my profs told the class that we do not need to be in church work to serve the Lord. I know that is obvious and I did know that, but for some reason that hit me and I didn't know why. I knew I didn't have to do church work but I couldn't see myself doing anything else, oh yea except performing. So what to do?
Well the program I am in is for the Lutheran church and at the end of my schooling I will receive a call from a church and it is rumored that I have to accept this call or I have to pay back the school the money they gave me for going into church work. WHAT? AHHHHHH!!!! I don't think I can make that kind of commitment. If I go to a church I don't want to get tied down. I don't think I can settle that quickly. I mean I don't even know if this is what I want to do. There are so many things I want to do. An enormous list of things I want to accomplish.
So I convinced myself that I am just freaking out and that plenty of people must feel this way and I was just afraid of growing up and responsibility. That worked for a while. When I could not convince myself of that anymore I tried the logical approach. Job security good, steady paycheck good crazy not to do this. But I could not block the idea that this was not the right choice. Ten after a month or two I had to punch myself in the figurative face a few times. Where was God in any of my questioning? Isn't he the one who calls the shots? I felt extremely foolish. So I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Then I talked to Kat and she said ya you need to listen stop talking and listen. so she told me to meditate (which I am not good at there is no way I can stop my mind from racing and racing and I can't sit still for too long just "listening" I really wish I could). So I was at my wits end when I was searching on my computer and I found the letter I wrote to Kat (Kat and I wrote each other letters before I left for school. She is my best friend.) So I don't know why but I felt like reading it then was wondering why don't I read Kat's letter to me that would make more sense. So I found it and read it. Great letter, then I got to one of the last pages. This started by her talking about a man wonder what if. So this definitely caught my attention. It talked about living life doing what makes you happy and living life to the fullest. She told me to make the best of my life and that I should follow my passions no matter what stands in my way and just go and do it. I have been seeing/reading/hearing this message everywhere, in books movies, messages from people, (way to listen). Then I thought, "wow, God is really trying to tell me something huh?"
So I prayed some more and everything felt right about this. I can honor God by living my life to the fullest ability and sharing it with others. I want to be a musician. I have been sure of that for years. So just do it. I know that it will be hard and I know plenty of things will stand in my way and I will fall. I will be in hard times trying to find enough money, but who cares. I am following my dream. God will provide, money is not something God wants me to focus on. This was a hard decision to make because the logical side of me told me that this was a bad idea. None of it sounds safe, but what is fun or exciting about safe. The disciples didn't give up everything to follow Jesus because he was safe. They would be ridiculed and shot down. They were following a very controversial man of their time, He proclaimed to be God for goodness sake that must have been odd! But regardless they followed him to live their lives dangerously, and that brought them eternally wonderful results. I don't know exactly what I will do or how I will get there but I know where I want to be so there is a start. Music is where I am headed. There is a non-denominational form of youth ministry here so that may be what I do here at school. Telling the parents will be interesting. I am happy with where I can go and the things I could do and I look forward to it, but for now back to classes.
